Soul Song For Survivors
Sexual Abuse Recovery
Title: Paid In Full
by Diann Messer
Paid In Full
I had grown up with the fact that my father had sexually molested
me from early childhood. He had never, in all the years, asked me to forgive
him or acknowledged to me that he had ever done anything wrong. Shortly
after I was married in 1969, my husband and I left my home state and moved
nearly 1000 miles away. We lived there for 15 years. In 1985, God moved
on our hearts to return to my home state. My father had just retired from
his place of employment and a retirement party was being planned in his
honor. Two weeks later, he was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus.
My father lived 11 months from the time I returned home until his death.
Just a few days before he died, God really dealt with my heart about speaking
to him about the fact that he was going to die and that he did not need
to fear death. You see, my father had accepted Jesus as his Saviour shortly
after his first surgery for this cancerous growth.
My husband, Clay and
I went to the hospital one evening to visit my father. I had asked my husband
to come in with me and visit a few minutes and then to excuse himself and
leave me alone with my dad for a while. After my husband left the room,
I sat down on the side of my dad's bed and really talked to him right out
of my heart. It was a hard thing to say the words out loud...."Dad, I'm
sorry, but it looks like you're not going to make it." I could not understand
why God would ask me to say those words, but He did. I was surprised when
my dad looked at me and said "Well, I really thought I could beat this,
but I guess not." Acceptance of death is not easy. How the human heart,
mind, and body fights that enemy! No matter how hard we fight, it is a battle
that each of us, in turn, will lose. My dad had to face the truth that
he was not going to get better. As he began to accept this truth, I started
talking to him about Heaven. I told him that I didn't want him to be afraid
to die. I told him that things would be so much better and so much more
beautiful than anything he could begin to imagine. I described the streets
of gold and the river of life. I told him that there would be no more pain
or sorrow, no more death, no crying over there. He seemed encouraged and
comforted by those words. We spent no more than ten minutes in conversation
about his journey into eternity. My own heart was at peace. It was only
a matter of days before my dad crossed over to the other side. He simply
went to sleep in his hospital room and woke up in Heaven.
Even though
my father never admitted to me that he had done anything wrong and he had
never asked for my forgiveness, I gave it to him anyway. I prayed for years
for God to reveal Himself to my dad. In the end, the only thing that mattered
when I looked at the book containing the days of my father's life was where
he would spend eternity. All I really wanted for him was to see that each
page of his life was stamped in red with the words 'PAID IN FULL'. The
debt was cancelled. It was a debt he could not pay. It was a debt that
Jesus Christ paid in full upon the cross.
I have a lot of memories of my father that are unpleasant, but God allowed
me to have this ten minutes with my dad alone. This memory is a special
one and I know it was a gift that God wanted me to have. The damage done
to my soul from years of abuse has been difficult. However, God has faithfully
walked me through the healing process. I am now four years into recovery
and am more whole than I could ever have imagined. For the first time in
my life, I am a truly joyful person. The words from Isaiah 61 have been
fulfilled in me. "To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn
in Zion. To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the
garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they may be called trees
of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."
I know that when I cross over to the other side I will see my Dad again;
this time, I won't have to fear him.
Revelation 21:5 "Then He who sat
on the throne said, 'Behold, I make all things new.'
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