Soul Song For Survivors
Sexual Abuse Recovery
Title: Overcoming An Abusive Past - The Heart of the Matter
by Diann Messer
Overcoming An Abusive Past - The Heart of the Matter
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I know the struggles involved in
trying to live a 'normal' life. Recovery is not so much about 'remembering',
but rather finding the true issues surrounding the abuse and working through
them one by one. In his book, "The Healing Path", Dan Allender, Ph.D. says
"Healing is not the resolution of our past; it is the use of our past to
draw us into deeper relationship with God and His purposes for our lives."
First of all, abuse of any kind is not and should never be minimized or
treated lightly. Abuse is wrong and punishable by law. It is also a sin
according to God's laws. Therefore, I am not trying to say that what happened
to you or me is not significant. The goal is to recover from the abuse
and learn to live and love well.
There are some aspects of recovery that I want to specifically discuss.
It has been said that it's "not so much what happened to you as how you
respond to what happened to you". I understand that that statement can
be somewhat inflammatory to sexual abuse survivors, but please let me illustrate
my point by sharing a specific abuse from my own childhood. I am trying
to be careful about sharing abuse specifics because I do not want to trigger
another survivor.
The incident I'm sharing with you centers on the time when I was just learning
how to ride a two-wheel bicycle. I'm not sure of the exact age, but I would
say about six or seven years old. I had been practicing my riding by pedaling
my bicycle up and down the driveway. I was not yet allowed to ride on the
street because I was not adept at handling the bicycle. As I was riding,
I noticed my father watching me through the glass-panes of the side door
of our house. I was aware that he was standing there, observing me, and
I remember my child-like thinking, "I must be doing a good job of riding
my bicycle. My daddy must be very proud of me because he is watching me
ride my bike." No sooner did I have that thought when my foot slipped from
the pedal, leaving a greasy black mark from the bicycle chain on the side
of my leg just below my knee. My Dad called me into the house and said
I had grease on my leg and he would help me clean it off. We went into
the kitchen, where he picked me up, stood me on a chair next to the kitchen
sink. He then removed my underpants, took a washcloth and began to wash
my leg. The rest of the memory is buried, except for the sense of relief
I felt when he finally allowed me to get off the chair and go my way. I
left the kitchen that day thinking to myself; "I thought he was proud of
me for doing such a good job of riding my bicycle. That is not what he
was thinking about me at all!"
In this instance, remembering the specifics
of the abuse is not the issue. The only thing that is important here is
how I responded to what happened to me. That is the part of me that needs
to be healed. I cannot go back and change the past. I cannot undo what
was done to me. I do not need to recall every detail of the abuse in order
to recover from it. The healing that I needed in this situation had to
do with disappointment. My father had betrayed my innocent child-like trust
in him.
Betrayal is one of the 'biggies' in sexual abuse. Betrayal causes
such deep pain of soul that we want to guard our hearts against ever being
hurt so deeply and intensely again. That need for self-protection causes
us to withhold our soul from deep, intimate interaction with others and
above all else, with God. We keep the inmost part of our being locked away
so no one else will ever cause that degree of pain again. It seems foolish
to us to allow ourselves a deep, trusting relationship with anyone. The
truth is that we will be hurt by betrayal again and again. Life is full
of disappointments and betrayals of every size and intensity.
So what
do we do with the deep soul pain of betrayal? How do we overcome the loss
of trust that results from an interaction like this one? First of all,
we have to be honest with ourselves. I needed to acknowledge that this abuse
hurt me deeply. That acknowledgement will cause me to feel the intensity
of the pain, the sorrow of being betrayed by someone who should have loved
me and cared for me in a proper manner. There will be anger toward the
abuser and that anger is justified; he is deserving of my anger. However,
the working out of that anger is also an important issue. If anger is allowed
to seek revenge, then we sin against God, our abuser and our own souls.
There are many appropriate ways to deal with anger. Anger is an energy
that needs to be expressed or vented. This expression should be done in
a place and manner that will not bring harm to the abuser, the abuse victim
or anyone else.
After properly venting we are faced with a decision. Do
I continue to stay angry? Should I hold on to my anger forever? We need
to move out of anger as quickly as possible in order to prevent bitterness
from taking root in our own heart. The key to getting beyond our anger
is in coming to a place where we can choose to forgive our abuser. Forgiveness
is a choice. We don't have to feel all "warm and fuzzy" towards our abuser
in order to forgive. Forgiving those who have hurt us looses us from the
chains of our past and allows us to move forward with our own life. Forgiveness
doesn't change what happened to us, it changes our heart and sets us free
to love again. Is it easy? Not usually.
Forgiveness isn't cheap; it
will cost us something. It will cost us the pain of our past. Are we
willing to turn loose of the pain? Sometimes it feels like if we turn loose
of the pain, the abuser 'gets away' with what he has done. We want him
held accountable for his actions. Accountability is not the same as revenge.
Revenge seeks to get even. It is an outward expression of hatred and bitterness
toward the abuser and that is sin. Offering forgiveness to our abuser revokes
revenge. We simply give up our need to punish him ourselves. I am not
saying that an abuser should not be prosecuted according to the law; I am
saying that we need to guard our heart against sin. Any child molester
can and should be prosecuted. The problem with so many incest cases and
other forms of child molestation is that the statute of limitations has
run out long before the abused child is old enough to understand that he
could legally do something about the crimes committed against him. Most
memories of my own abuse did not surface until after the death of my father,
so prosecution was totally out of the question for me. Still, there is
the matter of my own heart. That is the aspect I am discussing in this
article. The ability to recover from the wounds of sexual abuse is, indeed,
a matter of the heart.
The journey from woundedness to healing is a long
and difficult one. I do not want to trivialize the effects of abuse on
the lives of its victims, and I don't want to make it sound like it is an
easy thing to be healed and set free. It is not easy. It takes a lifetime
of commitment to the process and above all else, it takes the grace of God
at work in us to fully accomplish His perfect will in us and through us.
Turning loose of the pain and offering forgiveness to our abuser(s) is the
key to recovery. We cannot require payment of the debt that is owed to
us.
"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for
it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord'." Romans
12:19 (NKJ).
We can be confident that God is just in His judgments.
"Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion
they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall
possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs." "Weeping may endure
for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b
BOOK LIST:
A DOOR OF HOPE by Jan Frank
THE WOUNDED HEART by Dan Allender, Ph.D.
THE HEALING PATH by Dan Allender, Ph.D.
BOLD LOVE and CRY OF THE SOUL by Dr. Tremper Longman & Dr. Dan Allender
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