Soul Song For Survivors
Sexual Abuse Recovery
Title: Betrayed!
by Diann Messer
Betrayed!
Facing the truth about our abuse is painful and oftentimes
gut wrenching. In the case of incest, finding one’s own parents guilty
of betrayal is a source of deep soul pain and grief. The dictionary defines
“betrayal” as “to lead astray, to deliver to an enemy by treachery, to fail
or desert in time of need”.
Throughout the years of my own recovery, I
find more and more signs of deep betrayal. Most books written on the subject
of sexual abuse use the term “non-offending parent” in reference to the
parent who is not the actual perpetrator of the abuse. However, this non-offending
parent also contributes greatly to the abuse in one or more ways.
One
way the non-offending parent contributes to abuse is through complicity.
This is the act of setting the child up for abuse either by direct or indirect
complicity. Direct complicity would be telling the child to do as your
father (or other family member) says. This is speaking directly to the
child and instructing the child to go to the abuser and do as you are told.
Indirect complicity would involve the conspiracy of complying with the wishes
of a spouse (or other family member). In my case, my mother knew my father
was abusing me and agreed to allow him to continue the abuse in exchange
for her own financial support. (If she reported him, it would have meant
the loss of income.) By complying with his wishes, her every need would
be met. She entered into an agreement for the ‘good’ of the rest of the
family, choosing to sacrifice her only daughter in exchange for her own
financial security. (She recently told me that she had other children
in the family to think about.) She also warned my father to be more careful
because my older brother was discovering some things on his own.
Another way the non-offending parent contributes to abuse is through chosen
neglect or denial. This is a mind-game. It requires the non-offending
parent to pretend that there is no abuse. In some cases, the non-offending
parent may not see or be aware of actual abuse, but rather, sees enough
signs of inappropriate behavior to warrant investigation, but chooses not
to investigate.
Finally, one of the most damaging aspects of betrayal
is the failure of the non-offending parent to provide a place for the abused
child to turn for help and comfort.
In betrayal, the child is set-up
by both parents; denial and pretense become a way of life within the home,
and there is no way of escape and no place of safety and comfort for the
wounded soul of an abused child. The damage of betrayal is profoundly
devastating.
Facing the truth about betrayal is just one of the steps
involved in the healing process. What we do with that truth is crucial
to our overall healing. As abuse survivors, we have choices to make. It
is easy and quite natural to feel anger, hatred and bitterness; our natural,
fleshly self will immediately go there. However, if we choose to remain
in anger, hatred and bitterness, we end up further compounding the injury
to our own soul. It’s a bit like sticking a snake or scorpion in our pocket
and expecting the snake or scorpion not to bite us. It is the nature of
the beast to inflict pain and injury, just as it is the nature of anger,
hatred and bitterness to add to our own pain and damage. Choosing not to
live in anger and bitterness is the best way to go. As for my own self,
because of my experience with a loving and faithful God, I know that He
will judge all of this with righteous judgment. He removes that responsibility
from my shoulders. I have chosen, and choose again today, the way of forgiveness
because I don’t want to carry that snake of anger and bitterness in my pocket.
Whether you choose to believe in God or not, whether you choose to forgive
or not, is up to you. We all make choices that will forever affect our
heart, mind and soul. I pray that you will not choose the way of the snake
and scorpion.
Betrayal causes separation among family members. Today
I am no longer in relationship with my mother. That is not how I would
like for things to be at this point, but I cannot change her heart or her
attitude towards me. I can forgive her, but the relationship is lost. God
has graciously provided other people who have faithfully ‘mothered’ me,
nurturing and caring for my wounded soul. My mother has never been able
to do that; as an adult, it has now become my responsibility to allow others
to minister to my needs. I feel no anger, hatred or bitterness towards
my mother; instead, I feel sad. She is to be pitied. I pray that God will
do a work in her heart and heal her wounds as He heals mine. I have faced
the truth and I am ready to move on with my life, free from anger and bitterness.
I choose to allow God and other people to nurture and care for me. As I
learn, I share it with you. I know firsthand the deep soul pain, but I
also know the way of healing and freedom. May God bless you in your journey!
*Information for this article on betrayal and the role of the non-offending
parent is taken from the book "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender.
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