Soul Song For Survivors
Sexual Abuse Recovery
Title: This Is My Story, But Jesus Is My Song
by Diann Messer
Sexual Abuse - The silence and secrecy over this crime against
the very soul of its survivors has caused many to remain trapped in the
shame, fear and pain of their past.
Let me introduce myself. My name
is Diann and I am a survivor of childhood/teen sexual abuse. I grew up
in the Midwest and our family of seven looked like any other ‘normal’ middle-income
family. Anyone looking at us from outside the family unit would never have
suspected the horrors that played out on an almost daily basis behind closed
doors.
My own abuse began very early in life. I was told that even as
an infant, I cried every time my father looked at me. No one seemed to
understand the language of a baby. The fondling began in infancy and escalated
to repeated episodes of oral sex and vaginal penetration before the age
of five. My young life was filled with unspeakable and vile sexual violations,
feelings of shame, fear and uncertainty. At age four, I was again crying,
when my father slapped me, knocking me over backwards in a small child-size
rocking chair. His attempt to silence his young victim was quite effective.
Through the years, I learned to keep quiet. Don’t talk, don’t tell...keep
the family secret. Every decade of life became heavier and heavier. I
shoved the abuse down deep inside my soul; I didn’t want to talk about it
or think about it. Even my closest friends during my teens, did not know
the secret that was locked up inside my wounded soul.
Adulthood and marriage
allowed a new freedom in my life. I was finally away from home and from
my abuser. Sex in my marriage was difficult and many times painful. I
offered myself to my husband out of duty. Sex was not something that was
ever pleasurable or enjoyable for me. I thought that was how it was supposed
to be.
In 1997, our church introduced a new program to aid in the recovery
from sexual abuse. I attended a weekend retreat that began my long and
difficult healing journey. I had no idea at that time what was involved
in being healed; I just knew that I couldn’t go any further without some
help. The retreat weekend was followed by a four-month group session.
During that time, I began to have flashbacks and body memories of my abuse.
The healing journey for most survivors is almost as painful as the abuse
itself. This is truly one of those things where the cure is as bad as the
disease; however, it is necessary to walk back through the pain in order
to come to the place where we can truly walk away from the pain.
Although
the damage of sexual abuse is tremendous, the greatest damage to our souls
is not in what was done to us, but rather, how we chose to react to what
was done to us. Most survivors numb themselves physically and emotionally.
We go through life like zombies, dead, dull, emotionless. No joy. We are
afraid of people, social settings, allowing people to get too close both
physically and emotionally. We build walls around ourselves to keep people
at a safe distance; then one day we discover that the walls that keep others
out also keep us trapped inside. Some survivors turn to drugs, alcohol,
self-mutilation (scratching, burning, cutting), bingeing/purging, promiscuity,
pornography, lying, stealing, and even suicide. The list of coping mechanisms
is endless, but none of them are healthy. That’s why I say the worst damage
is self-inflicted. That is not to minimize the damage that is done via
the abuse itself; sexual violation of any kind for any length of time is
damaging. No matter if it happens only once or if it happens repeatedly
throughout the years, the victim will suffer greatly as a result of the
abuse.
My own coping mechanism was ‘dissociation’ or ‘splitting off’.
This is one of the most common coping styles used by children. Dissociation
is disconnecting the mind from the body. Whatever is taking place physically
is ignored and therefore, not remembered. The problem with that coping
style is that later in life, external stimuli (sights, sounds, smells) will
cause flashbacks of the abuse, even though what actually took place is pushed
down and not in conscious recall. (I will write more about dissociation
in a future article).
Because I had so effectively used dissociation during
the abuse, I continued to use it during my marriage. When my husband and
I would have sex, I simply numbed myself and dissociated, as I had done
with my father. I was not an active participant, but once again, I reacted
as a victim.
My healing journey is not over; it will never end. I will battle and struggle
for the rest of my life in order to gain and maintain the ability to be
the person that God created me to be; that person got lost somewhere back
in my childhood. My job was to rescue that wounded little girl who was
too afraid to come out and live. God walked back into my childhood with
me. I had to face the ugly abusive acts committed against my body, but
He was there with me, touching each wound and bringing the much-needed release
of pain and shame that held me in its grip. I grieved the loss of my childhood,
the loss of my innocence and child-like spontaneity; those things are gone
forever. In their place, God has given me His peace and His joy. I still
remember the things that were done to me, but now the wounds don’t hurt.
The infection has been drained out of the wounds; they have been bandaged
and allowed to heal in their own time. I have come to a place where I am
now able to forgive my abusers and release them into God’s hands. I require
no payment of debt. God said in His word that He would repay me. Not only
would He repay, but also He would give me double honor for my shame. All
I had to do was turn it loose and place it all in His hands.
Isaiah 61:7.
“Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion
they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall
possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs.”
Isaiah 61:3-4. “ To console those who mourn in Zion. To give them beauty
for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit
of heaviness, that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting
of the Lord, that He may be glorified. And they shall rebuild the old ruins.
They shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the ruined
cities, the desolations of many generations.”
All scriptures are New
King James version
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